In The Motherhood

I was up late a couple of nights ago and was looking around online, and saw on msn.com a thing for the web show "In The Motherhood". It has Jenny McCarthy, Chelsea Handler (who is crude and irritating, but hilarious on this show) and Leah Remini starring in it, and they basically re-enact the "fun" stuff that happens to mom's and make it funny. The website to go watch the episodes is www.inthemotherhood.msn.com. I would post one of the video's, but just as a disclaimer, there is a little bit of swearing so go watch it when your kids are asleep and not listening. I was laughing so hard, and even though none of their particular situations have happened to me (yet), I could feel their embarassment, annoyance, etc and it made me laugh. And then it got me thinking of well what's happened to me that I could make better by making it funny instead of just thinking back on it cringing. So here are a couple "In The Motherhoodisms" that I decided I needed to make funny. Kyndal has never been the blow-out-the-diaper kind of baby, which has been great. I think she's done that about twice and it was not unexpected (I give her prunes), but a few weeks ago I was going to lunch with my sister Heidi to Chipotle and she only had about 20 minutes to eat. Kyndal has gotten so predictable that this particular time I was thinking "we'll only be gone for 1/2 an hour, I'm not going to bring the whole diaper bag, I'll just bring a few things in my purse". Ha. Ha. Ha. Apparently in the 5 minute car trip to Chipotle Kyndal decided to use the restroom. I got to Chipotle and smelled it, but was thinking, hey 20 minutes? She can wait, she's done it before. But then of course I needed to be selfish and use the restroom before I left Chipotle so I walked myself in there and yay for Kyndal walking, I can put her down on the floor. Chipotle if you haven't been in the restroom is very modern and sparse I would say. So she's wandering around the room and bends down to get something out of my purse and horror of horrors, she's blown out her diaper. DANGIT!! I had a diaper in my on-the-go diaper bag and no wipes. And Chipotle being sparse and modern doesn't have a changing table in their restroom. Lame guys, I'm sure they cost like $100, you can afford it!! You got plenty of room in your restroom for it! But I can't put her down in her carseat with it coming out her diaper, ahhh! I thought I'd try the vertical changing method first. Got the pants down, she's standi oop no, she's moving. Oh my gosh her diaper is half undone and she's wanting out of my arms. Child! Get the heck back here! I got her back under control and took her diaper off the rest of the way, toilet paper in hand ready to wipe, and she's off again and this time it's funny to run away from mom so she's sqealing running in circles with poop just about to fall onto the floor. Ok this vertical method doesn't work for a nutso kid. Now to the sink. Their sink of course being modern is gigantic and just the right size for a skinny baby butt. Ok off come the shoes and pants because just like squatting for us older girls is an art, I'm not even going to try to position the water and her with her pants and shoes on. So I've got loads of toilet paper, a wriggling kid with poop on her butt and the water going. And she's screaming because the water is too cold. And then it got too hot, and then some person is trying to open the door. "Just a minute!" I'm yelling over the screaming and the water. Ok, got the diaper folded up and in the trash and the majority of the offensive poop wiped off. The janitor is going to LOVE this! Her little butt is by now red from the not-baby-soft toilet paper and she's just pissed. But clean! So I dried her off, layed her accross my knees while I'm squatting down trying to put a clean diaper on her. Which of course she hates, and so she fought me the whole time trying to sit up. But the diaper got on, who cares if it's crooked and looks like a one-armed person put it on her. It's on. Now the sink needs to be cleaned. ... And of course, several minutes have gone by so the person trying to open the door is now knocking and being an all around jerk. "Still in here, just go to the mens restroom!!" Seriously lady, use toilet paper on the seat if you think its gross or something, can't you hear my screaming child??? Scrub scrub scrub the sink with lots of soap and paper towels and get me the H out of here. Never again will I go anywhere without a full diaper bag!! And of course because of the mean toilet paper, Kyndal got diaper rash super bad. Sorry babe! My next horror story is short, but Ben and I live in fear because of it. We are selling some of our old furniture that doesn't fit in the house we're in and we've had since we got married so it's time to get rid of it. We put it up on Craigs list and about 1/2 an hour later we got a call from a lady who wanted to buy it. They are those papasan "egg" chair things that are super comfortable but are way out of fashion. I'm surprised anyone even came to look at them. This lady was very very nice, but a little crazy (I got her entire life story in between her deciding whether she wanted to spend $50 for two or just $30 for one and would both fit in her apartment? maybe one could go in the,,, you get the idea). She had a brand spanking new Scion that was very shiny. Kyndal is obsessed with gravel. She wants to walk in it always, forget the easy to use concrete. She brings us the rocks like they're little treasures and sits in the gravel, she loves it. So two of her favorite things are next to each other right now-gravel and a big shiny thing. ... She picked up two handfuls of gravel and was running on her way over to the lady's car and I'm trying to tell the lady that the ottoman thing can work for a little table and not be rude and interrupt her story about how her husband likes ottomans but he's in Mississippi for another three months and maybe he won't use it, so I couldn't quite get to Kyndal fast enough before she ran herself to the driver side door and (like all children love to do) banged her fists on the door full of gravel. *EXPLETIVE*! Two inch long scratches from two little fists full of gravel on this lady's nice new car. I don't think she noticed, and I watched her closely to see if she looked at her door before she got in, and she didn't. So here we sit, desperately hoping she loses the little scrap piece of paper she wrote our address on and MapQuested to find our house... She might want her $50 back! If anyone has stories similar to this, I highly recommend you share, then they can be funny instead of awful :) Go watch the In The Motherhood too, it's entertaining.